5/4/26
I used to think anxiety would stop at a number.
Not a specific number at first, just more. More than I had. When I got there, I’d feel safe. I was sure of it.
It doesn’t work that way. When I had X, I needed Y. When I had Y, I needed Z. I have more now than I ever thought I’d have, but a revenue dip or a stressful situation still triggers the same alarm it always did.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand: the thirst for certainty is a moving target. For me, nothing fully satisfies that need because it was never really about achieving a specific goal. It was about controlling the situation, and that’s an impossible illusion to maintain.
The story I told my friends and family was that I had to do it all. I had to juggle all the balls. I had to be responsible for everyone and everything, and if I couldn’t control the outcome, well, that was something to avoid at all costs, because the shame and embarrassment that accompanied failure would be unbearable.
I don’t have this solved. I’m not writing from the other side. But I think naming it honestly is part of the work. The anxiety will always latch onto the next thing if you let it, but what if there is no target to hit, no score to achieve? A fulfilling life should be about variety, learning, growth, and contribution. This is what I’d say to anyone living with the affliction of certainty, especially me. – Dad